Why I Chose Recovery

Hello there you beautiful lot,

How on earth are you?

Firstly thank you to everyone that read my last post and took part in the challenge. It was heartbreaking to hear the things you had all been picked on for but so heartwarming to hear of you overcoming those things and showing yourself self care and love.

This week on the blog I’m answering a very common question that lands in my inbox and thats “Why did you chose recovery and what made you want to” Basically Why did I chose to draw up my past and lay it out on the table. Why did I choose to put myself through those tough brutal months of trying to make a difference to my life.

If you know a little about my back story you will know that I was abused from day to dot up to around 17 years of age. I suffered at the hands of emotional, physical and sexual abuse and also two assaults. To put it nicely these things left me in a little bit of a mess. I was left riddled with anxiety, PTSD and a crippling form of OCD. My life was left in a pickle to say the least and left like this for quite some time.

Unfortunately and sadly many people face these challenges but choose to live with them. Its usually due to the generation before us passing down a ‘keep calm and carry on attitude’ where we are more or less expected to just bury the hurt deep down somewhere and carry on like nothings happened.

People are also often terrified of the sheer thought of dragging up the past (and it truly was terrifying for me) Depending on where you live in the world having help and support to tackle mental health difficulties can be tricky too. Sometimes its often just easier to live with the difficulties you have especially as you’ve no doubt had them for a while anyway and you almost become a custom to them.

So it brings the question why in heavens name did i choose to upset myself by bringing up my past. Why did i choose to look into what i went through and why did i spend a good chunk of my life trying to recover and make a difference when I could of stayed the way I was.

Most of it came down to me having enough of living the way I was previously. I was terrified of my own shadow and living performing checking rituals all day every day. I honestly feel if i just had my PTSD i might be where i was before but it was the OCD that really pushed me to do something about how i was. Going round and round my house 24/7 and unable to complete even the smallest of tasks left me wanting to lead a remotely normal life.

Another huge and incredibly important part to why I chose recovery came from knowing the cycle of abuse in my family.

Again if you know a little about my story you will know I highlight the cycle of abuse quite a lot. I talk about my main abuser, which was my mother who abused me due to trauma herself and not seeking help. The only thing i remember about my mother was how upset she always was. I just remember days of her crying and all the upset attached. Anytime anything would happen i was greeted with ‘past stuff’. Tales of hearbreak at the hands of her father and hate and anger gushing out every time she opened her mouth.

Knowing what trauma and heartbreak can develop into was what made me want change. I didn’t want to be just damaged goods and i didn’t want to be part of a statistic where behaviour and attitude towards life is repeated.

No not all people that leave trauma turn into abusers nor people that leave mental health difficulties to manifest but theres a high chance of that and if not that it may manifest into something else.

I just wanted changed. I didn’t want to be unhappy my whole life. I wanted to explore the world that i was brought into not leave myself trapped and isolated. After being assaulted and seeing the same behaviours again I didn’t want to be ANOTHER family member that was repeating behaviour. I just wanted a fresh start and a new outlook on life.

I promote and share my story as i want people to see that recovery is possible. I want people to see that there can be a change and how good that change is. Recovering and accepting what happened to me changed my life and i know it can change many others too.

I hope you take my story and even if its only thought about for 5 minutes,its at least thought about. Try and hold onto what life there is out there and how wonderful life can be