The Times They Are a Changin’

Hello,

Wild, but I’ve had that song stuck In my head for days now.

And you better start swimmin’
Or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin’

Yes, if you follow me on social media you will know the grand shift to the North Island of New Zealand didn’t go quite as planned due to the home I moved into having a lot of problems. I had never previously had any trouble with houses, despite hearing of the horror stories of how landlords could be from friends, so didn’t think twice about it ever being a possibility.

Despite it being a ‘pain’ my focus has been on how it has created this whole shift in everything in my life not only physically, but mentally too and that isn’t just from putting my foot down with my landlord.

Flash back to a few weeks ago.

I was sat on my sofa only a few weeks ago after putting my foot down with the house and closing the door on a situation when I received a very random phone call from an old friend and I MEAN random. As in, I hadn’t spoken to her for nearly 10 years sort of random. There was no real purpose to the call, other than the need to call an old friend according to her. (The universe has thrown some funny things like this at me lately)

We spoke of where we had both come from as I had actually met this friend not only through the schooling programme I had been placed in when I was younger, but from being in the hostel. We had a good ol’ catchup reminiscing about the old times and most importantly how different life had become for both of us. Her due to be getting married and myself the launch of another new business.

It really was a shock to the system as she reminisced not only about the humorous times, but those much darker times that had moved to the back of my memory. In the most casual tone she started listing all these terrible things, from someone passing in my room shortly before me moving in due to an overdose and being left there for some time. Other peoples passings and how only days into being at the hostel a friend had turned up at my door after being stabbed, only for him to turn up again days later after being injured again from someone jumping in his window. The drug use and how I would have to put items behind my door due to the multitude of random men entering the room next door to me. All laced in a somewhat humorous tone considering these were memories from when we were what, 14?

I apologies for the abrupt description, but it hit me most abrupt too. Don’t get me wrong, I remember a lot of things from around that time and many memories are as clear as day, but these things really hit me. Even more so the voice telling these stories sent me sailing back as though they had just happened.

I was vastly thrown off remembering those things, but what hit me more was that sudden realisation of how far I had actually come. That despite being around packing boxes I wasn’t there. It’s like that age old quote “You may not be where you want to be in life, but you can look back and be thankful you’re not where you used to be” In fact, I am so far from that time in my life. It’s so easy to just keep going in life especially when you’re so set on a particular goal and even more so that I told myself the only direction I would be heading was forward after the things I had been through.

Theres just so much my head was filled with after that conversation. So many thoughts and realisations, but most importantly a shift that I had been waiting on for a long time.

A really long time.

All that was a huge part of my life. It made me who I am today, but I feel so far away from that life now and I guess that’s why I forgot those finer details. It was the start of my story, but I have been on a mission for a long time now for it to finish differently.

Don’t get me wrong I will always remember where I have come from. It’s why I do the work I do, but thats what I want to keep it to. Work. Ive felt myself going from ‘I don’t want that kind of life’, to knowing I don’t and stepping into that truth. Ive even found myself recently and most unplanned introducing myself as a business owner, rather than someone who is a blog owner that details the trials and tribulations of life.

Its hard to explain and another one of those things where I feel only a select few that have been through similar will understand, but I feel like I have spent so much of my life on a certain path with goals and dreams in tact, but with one hand behind me trying to pull those I love with me. I wanted us all to get somewhere, all to see the beauty in life and rise from the bottom, but I have recently realised how much that slowed me down in my own life. Even more so that this friend had no idea of the whereabouts of most people during that time in our lives, yet I knew from speaking to them regularly. (or should I say being worried sick about them regularly)

Something that will always break my heart deep down, yet I am growing more confident in saying is I came from that place too and again that conversation reminded me of that. I have seen the pits of life. Not only from my own childhood, but coming out of there and being thrust into hostels and not seeing much better. However, for years I had told myself that everyone experiences things differently and for some it’s harder than others, but it was blumin’ hard for me and you know what? it was never really about that. It was about grabbing life, realising so much of it had been taken already and doing the best I could with what I had left. I didn’t want to wallow in it. I didn’t want my story to ever be about how hard life IS. It was about how it was at one point, but would never be again.

I don’t talk about life being tough anymore and I don’t connect to it. I talk about life and how I got to where I am today. How I had to put every ounce of my energy to crawl my way there. Sliding back down only to have to crawl back up again.

I have found it so hard in my life to let certain people go. Ive dealt with comments of people judging my character, telling people my work is fraudulent because my passion for mental health and growth should be a full time job to every person I meet. That I should be the one to get people to where I am, because I have done it. I have been told I am stuck up at the thought of leaving people behind, that I had COMPLETELY forgotten where I have come from or the struggles that people face because of where I am today, but thats just not the case.

I may have not remembered those finer details, but thats because with hard work and determination I created better memories. Hard work left my brain being able to focus on things other than fear. It gave me the ability to grow and keep growing.

Grow, grow, grow.

I will never ever take my life for granted or forget about where I have come from. The passion for the work I do will never fade, but there is such a difference in the work I do compared to my personal life. I share this to an audience to inspire people on their journeys and Recovery Revival much the same. Theres no chaos that comes with it. No being thrust into situations that I don’t want to be a part of. I want to spend my days around goal getters, artists and creative people. Women in business who are paving the way and creating their own rules. Spending time in nature and creating true honest connections. I want my home to be a safe space for me to relax and unwind, and for it not to be just a drop in centre for anyone. I want it to be a place where I can entertain and discuss with people the latest goals we’ve smashed or plans for new ones.

I don’t want to see my phone ring and sigh at the thought of what is happening with someone next. To get a call demanding of my need at 1am to sit until 4am discussing the latest woes only to only hear from them when they need me again. To help people get out of ridiculous situations that they have got themselves in to, only to be peoples emotional and verbal punching bag without the slightest glimpse of remorse all in the name of struggle.

Some people I feel you can’t do anymore for and again me trying to drag them with me has not only impacted me, but hasn’t been healthy for them as they have become dependant on me. We now live in a world where information is at our fingertips. We have the ability to learn about recovery, growth, self love, self acceptance, healing and accountability. Even when I started my journey there wasn’t as much as there is now. Don’t get me wrong I know full well the difficulties with therapy and getting into it, but some people out right refuse to get any sort of help and are comfortable in staying the same no matter how much pain is attached to that.

Every single person in life goes through something and life is blumin hard. It’s not about me wanting to surround myself with only sunshine, but sunshine AND showers. Your girls spent too much of her life through the showers to now live without sunshine and I wont be shamed for that anymore.

Ive realised who I am isn’t just that anymore and I want so much more than that. It’s where my story started, but it’s not how it will end. Despite feeling guilty for forgetting those memories, I now almost want to forget them more. For them to just be the reason I have a passion for what I do with my work. To know that I have tried my best, but to let go of hands and to close doors.

Despite this move being very unplanned for me, I almost feel the universe gave me a bit more time. Extra time to put my foot down and say no more.

Because I did also crawl my way up too.

littlestlady

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