Revisiting my childhood

Hello peanuts!

I hope you’re all well.

Firstly id like to thank everyone for the response to my previous post, my OCD story!
I am over the moon that it went so well and loved reading through your comments and emails and can’t believe how many of you took the time to read the whole thing! Im also so overjoyed with the comments I’ve seen in regards to OCD week and the power people are having on changing the stigma against OCD and creating awareness on the subject.

I would of loved to of done something for OCD awareness week but unfortunately,Im going back to England!
Oh thats lovely you say. Maybe going to visit some friends or family? Oh no, just the home of my abuser.

Thats right. If you’re a frequent reader of my blog you will know about the passing of my main abuser. Well now its this peanuts time to clean the house. Ive been almost ‘nominated’ (I know, what a treat) to clear out my abusers house and also collect my own belongings that i left behind. Though I’ve never shared much about what directly happened to me this little trip holds a place in my heart due to how i had to leave my abusers home. Due to the nature of my abuser the only way i was able to get out of her care was by going to college like a normal day, and just not returning leaving me to leave all my belongings behind.

It was offered to me that i could have all the items removed and placed else where to sort through but i decided against it. Though it will be tricky and no doubt highly emotional theres something inside me telling me to go and that i have to do this. As hard as it all may be it will be good to see my room and what i classed as my ‘safe place’ for the majority of my life and most importantly to see it from a whole new perspective. Its that real ending to that chapter of my life. Shutting that door and leaving everything behind and hopefully leaving the house to someone else to create some loving and joyful memories.

I am a little scared and i hold no shame in admitting it. You see,pretty bad things happened in that house and even things that i found out happened after from when i was too young to even remember. It will be scary for me but also somewhat empowering as nothing in that house can hurt me anymore. Its now literally, just a house. Its also a time for me to face even more fears as i will have to deal with one of the people that i was assaulted by. I’m not scared of them but am somewhat nervous as i guess now i know what they’re capable of. Again,knowing that i don’t have the ability nor thought process to do what they did to me is somewhat empowering and almost makes me the adult of the situation.

All that true fear i had of it all is just gone. I now just see them all and the whole situation as incredibly sad.
I can actually remember days with my abuser when i thought ‘She’s going to end up killing me’ how on earth did i get to the point where i can go back to the house it all happened in? I use to be so frightened of it all i couldn’t even go to the town in which it happened. Oh how things have changed!

All emotions aside i am grateful for the opportunity to do such a thing. Its not like i would be able to go back after the house is sold and owned by someone else and say “Excuse me,could i just look round your house?” Allowing this to happen allows me to put everything to bed (and il need to go to bed after a 40 hour flight) It also means that when that door is shut its time for more exciting things to happen in my life. I have so much planned for my blog and cant wait to make a start on it once im back!