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Please choose life.

Please be aware;

This blog posts comes with trigger warnings. I do not believe this post to be too graphic but may be heavy on the heart.

This post includes my experience with suicide and my own attempts.

This is a very real and raw post and all reading should read with caution.

Hello poppets

Well, i mean where do we even start this?

As you can tell by the title today on the blog were talking about suicide. Its a topic i wanted to cover one day. Maybe as a guest post and no doubt use something to make the whole thing a little more light hearted and balanced. Instead im left writing this real and very raw post due to recent events.

Suicide – the act of intentionally causing one’s own death.

On May 18th 2017 the world lost Chris Cornell, the front man and lead singer of Soundgarden. Shortly after and on 20th July we lost another great in the form of Chester Bennington the lead singer of Linkin Park. The news of both hit me hard after spending a huge chunk of my childhood singing at the top of my voice to many a Soundgarden song and the majority of early teens listening to Linkin Park. So many of us are left in shock and so many of us asking why and what on earth happened to cause these tragedies.

We all have different experiences of dealing with suicide. Some have only heard of it happening and others may have had friends and family members a victim of it. For me suicide is a thing I learnt about from what some may say as too young. I was plagued with hearing my main abuser talk about suicide. She’d had enough, she couldn’t do it anymore and she didn’t want to be here. If you know a little about my story you will also know that my main abuser (my mother) told me that my dad had passed away which turned out to be not true. That was also apparently by suicide.

Hearing and learning about suicide from so small was scary. My life was surrounded by the word and I felt smothered by it. Learning about it and hearing about it more or less on the daily was a dangerous thing for me and with this I had an alarming amount of attempts. This ranged from throwing myself out of car doors to consuming large amounts of tablets. Later on in my life I battled with it due to friends and those close to me struggling.

Through spoken word and the internet people all round the world are trying to work out whats happening. Were throwing angry comments of sadness and raw emotion at each other, were blaming mental health and were blaming the families of those who are lost.

So what really causes someone to want to leave us?

I guess we can start with the recent news of Chester Bennington. You will see on the news and in various articles it mentioning his battle with drugs and alcohol. Yes it no doubt played a part in his suicide but theres not much mention of how those two things came into his life in the first place. In fact a lot of us won’t know that Chester Bennington was abused as a child. I won’t go into what happened too much but Chester himself had said on various occasions that he had never dealt with what had happened as he didn’t feel he could and instead used alcohol and drugs to mask and cope with his pain.

That pain is emotional pain and can come in the forms of

  • Feeling not listened to or understood
  • Feeling invisible
  • Feeling unloved or uncared about
  • Feeling unwanted
  • Feeling like a failure
  • Feeling weak or helpless
  • Feeling guilty and ashamed

Many people use other outlets as a way to cope and manage that emotional pain for example

  • Alcohol and alcohol addiction
  • Drug taking and drug addiction
  • Gambling
  • Excessive game play
  • Excessive eating

There are many reasons emotional pain can happen after any sort of trauma. It can be hard to come forward about the act and share whats happened and it can also be hard for us to process that its happened ourselves. Often in the case of abuse the abuser programs and manipulates the person so that they will never share whats happened and the abuse is never known to the outside world. With this the emotions and pain from the situation is pushed under the carpet and the other outlets come into play to cope with or avoid dealing with the initial situation.

Unfortunately that pain only creeps back and often manifests itself taking on more of the outlets and causing more heartache.

The people doing this don’t want to die to end there life. They want to die to end their pain. From my own experience i know on my numerous attempts that I didn’t want to end my life but I wanted to end that very pain. I couldn’t see anyway past my abuse and the cycle that I was in, i felt i couldn’t speak about it and I felt it was the only option I had. I also have seen this pattern in so many of my loved ones that have experienced the same thing and from speaking to people through my blog.

Unfortunately we live in a society where its okay to cause trauma, okay to silence it and then okay to shame those who struggle after. We silence people into keeping quiet about the act and then silence people dealing with debilitating mental health difficulties afterwards. When something as tragic as suicide happens due to carrying the pain for too long were then saying “oh no,what happened?”

We need to be stopping the problems that people need to heal from. To me, trauma is whats killing these people. We need to minimise the rates of trauma,we need to raise awareness on mental health, cancel out the stigma thats attached to it and most importantly we need to raise awareness of suicide and why people are choosing that as an option as they don’t feel they can reach out for help.

My passion for my blog and to share my voice is currently stronger than ever. To raise the awareness on abuse, mental health and processing trauma so it doesn’t plague our lives.

Your story is not to be ashamed of. You’re not invisible. You’re not a failure and to endure the things you have you will never be seen as weak.

Please choose recovery and most importantly, please choose life.



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One Response to “Please choose life.

  • Gary Briddick
    3 years ago

    I choose life, we often have to battle everyday but life is for living. We face challenges that we never expected but have the strength to carry on.

    I personally lost everything through my mental health issues. I simply now aim to be the best I can be each day. There are ups and downs but I tried suicide but chose life.

    Choosing life makes sense

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