One Day I’ll Learn

Disclaimer:
This post is not made to name or shame ANYONE. This post is coming from an important time in my life and for others.
My blog is almost like a diary to me and includes some of the main events in my life and i feel this is a main event.
I feel this is an important post and with this is the only reason i am posting it.

Hello you beautiful lot,

How are we?

It seems in the world of littlestlady.com i can’t get away with anything. Though i was talking to you about my trip to Sri Lanka you guys seem more interested in the things i had learnt about myself and other people.

People had told me how it was almost nice hearing me complain a little ha ha! Which i do kind of understand. My blog is admittedly very cheery and will always be this way. I want my blog to be a safe haven for people that are struggling to have hope and see a way out. Its not that I’m hiding negativity as if you know me, I’m pretty much on one level at all times.

I also didn’t really want to speak in more detail with you guys until id figured things out in my own head. I didn’t want to just put this information out there of a bad thing happening without having some sort of resolution and solution to the topic which is why i kept it short and sweet and just told you that things were changing in my life.

Now i feel i have learnt more about this situation and have embraced this huge learning curve in my life i want to share it with you guys. This again is not to shame anyone and truly, it makes me terribly uncomfortable to write about this.

The sole reason i am writing about this is after finally sharing my struggles with people i noticed how common it was. Especially with advocates or people that have built careers in helping people. It seems when we’ve decided that were going to help people we do it for everyone and that includes the good and the ‘bad’

Before we start i want to share a quote with you guys by my best friend from a few years back. “The world and people in it are not as wonderful as you think they are and when you realise that it will break your heart”.

Now, when that quote was said to me my head instantly went ‘Oh come off it negative nancy’ and i pushed it away. I didn’t believe it and i didn’t want to entertain the thought of it for a second. Though i didn’t entertain the thought it stuck with me and was something i always remembered.

So lets go back to why this all came up. In my blog post about my trip to Sri Lanka i talked to you guys about what id learnt about myself and how others back home treated me whilst i was on this trip. Id talked to you about those that were so kind to me and even though they were struggling wouldn’t even answer me asking how they were because i was taking a break. I then had the other side of people offloading on to me and various mood swings because i wasn’t there just for them.

Shortly before going on my trip i was beginning to feel drained and exhausted. Now this wasn’t just because of this subject as i had never been on holiday before and my job was at a stressful time but still i even knew in the back of my mind the true reason i was feeling so drained.

As its me, i denied all this and tried to push it to the back of my mind. People aren’t really like this are they? People surely can’t have this much of an effect?

How people treat me is something I’ve mentioned on and off during my blog journey and it is something I’ve battled with. When i say im pretty one level i really think i am. Not much bothers me in the world and most things go over my head but this has been a recurring problem. Some people know they don’t have to treat me well and i let some get away with murder. I know this. I know when people aren’t treating me well but my head does this wonderful thing where it tries desperately to cover that up and shelter me from such things.

So off i trotted on holiday with my sheltered mind in tow and off i trotted with my complete and utter relaxed mind in tow. Now i know holidays make you relaxed but this wasn’t a normal relaxed feeling. I do yoga, i practice mindfulness and putting Thrice with the voice of Dustin Kensrue on for only a few seconds is enough to make me relaxed. I know what relaxed is, but this was like the weight had been lifted off me.

I had the well wishes as i headed on my journey. The people so excited for my big adventure. The ‘take lots of pictures’ comments and the ‘Have a wonderful time’ thrown in there too. I really was on top of the world and with this i thought everyone was just going to behave and let me enjoy this time.

It only felt like days before that weight came back. It almost felt like one of those really heavy blankets you get in winter. That you know are super warm but in reality they’re making your body ache because they’re just too heavy. I honestly felt it in a physical form like if i was on the beach at the time id of been long gone into the sands of Sri Lanka.

I had a message from someone

I now realise that what i told myself was pouring their heart out, wasn’t. I went back to other peoples messages. Those that were deeply struggling and i noticed the difference. There was such an innocence about them. A ‘yeah life killing me, but ill manage’ and a ‘don’t worry about me’ about them.

This message was different and out came that blanket. A blanket that in heats of 32degrees i defiantly didn’t need and after going on holiday as i felt i deserved it, i defiantly didn’t need it.

Still i tried to remidate the situation, offer support and almost tried to shut the situation down as quietly as i could so i could take this enormous blanket off.

This happened several times into the holiday and by the end of it i didn’t want to come home. At first the thought of going home was bittersweet. I was in that feeling of yes I’m on holiday and i could stay here forever but i miss my home and people. When this situation came up, i didn’t want to go home. A level of not wanting to go home that actually made me upset. On the trip people treated me as a person i wasn’t just someone to fix problems and offload onto.

This person i knew was toxic and thats the reason i feel we became close. No i wasn’t some naive girl that was swooped under their charm i knew it all along but i almost felt they weren’t at that stage of it progressing to incapable depths. Because of my abusers story and obvious reasons i knew that this person was hurting and i only hoped that if they got help and stopped the hurt they would become better people.

Home is so important to me. Growing up with such an unstable one, having a home and it being my own is so important. Every day i look forward to going home and that included going back to work and catching up with people but this situation was making me not want to and thats when i knew something wasn’t right.

When i did return home ive never felt the amount of love from such a large number of people as i did when i got back. Ive never been squeezed or kissed quite so much. Everyone was so excited to hear about the trip and see photos or

This person that id poured my heart and soul into couldn’t even look me in the face.

I was unfortunately the only one that didn’t think this would happen and a handful of people actually had bets on that i wouldn’t be asked how my holiday was and oh how i lost those bets. I again, told myself how ridiculous that was and surely even if there was jealousy they’d be able to ask me even if it was through gritted teeth but I had not a thing.

I was left feeling incredibly embarrassed and a flurry of memories of people telling me how toxic this person was came flooding back to me and the memories of that quote by my best friend. All the times this person had called me names, picked on me, made me question my intelligence and made me feel insecure and worthless came back to me.

This wasn’t just about asking about my holiday as I had enough people doing that, this was about something else. That one question showed that they weren’t what people said they were and showed that they were human.

I realised in that moment, id done it again.

I realised id taken on a toxic personality, again. A person that I thought I could ‘fix’ but instead became the victim of an exhausting and soul destroying situation.

So many tears of been shed as i cannot believe i did this to myself. Truly ive wanted to just hide away and ive had moments where i felt the whole world was shouting ‘I told you so’ at me. Unfortunately, I don’t need to be told there are toxic people in this world as ive seen it in the purest forms but i never expected people to just not be kind.

This truly isn’t about helping people as i don’t think i need to point out its what i want and will do with the rest of my life. This was something very different and was to an unhealthy and dangerous level.

I guess this isn’t just a note to those that help people but also to those that are hurting others. Life can be difficult and mental health difficulties can be excruciating but you cannot hurt others as a result of it. If you’re hurting please seek help don’t hurt other people.

Its really hard to accept if you are hurting others but if you’re in therapy and people react with sadness to the things you’re saying or if you’re losing people rapidly, get help. Talk about it.

This is how we end this cycle. We cannot be hurting others as a result of our hurt.