Oh This Determined Heart

Hello there poppets,

Second blog post of the year and were still on that topic of determination.

In my last blog post i spoke to you about where my determination came from and what shaped this determined heart.

This week on the blog I’m talking to you about how i used my determined heart to get through what i went through. How a mixture of my background,my parents and growing up with the punk ideology left me with enough determination to get through my abuse, recover from it and recover from various mental health difficulties.

My determination comes through in lots of different ways in daily life and it was only the other day i had the most hilarious conversation with my friend when they asked if i would describe myself as stubborn and i quickly replied

I mean its my favourite line thats ever come out of my mouth?

I truly don’t think I’m any different level of ‘strong willed’ or determined i just think with the rest of my personality and probably how i act and dress it just comes a little unexpected.

Id describe myself as quite easy going and most things go straight over my head. On the other side i know what i want, i know what my values are and I know how I want my life to be. I feel like i have a pocket of strength and determination that doesn’t show its face often but when i need it i can pull it out and use it in certain situations.

I first noticed my determination when I was assaulted. If you’ve watched my draw my life video you will know i was assaulted twice by two different family members. My first id say was my most traumatic on the scale of fear. Gee whiz i was terrified. I dont think ive talked too much about exactly what happened, but in shortened terms i was chased for quite a distance and during this chase i was caught up to and pushed, pulled and rugged about a bit (That makes it sound much nicer doesn’t it?)

It seemed to all happen all of a sudden. I was sat minding my own business chatting away and then BAM. At first i felt like i was very withdrawn from the situation, confused and trying to process what on earth was happening.

After a while of being disorientated and figuring out exactly what was happening it was like a switch in my brain had flicked and my head suddenly went

and i ran as quickly as my little legs could carry me. And sure my little legs couldn’t carry me all that far, but after a little while i managed to get away from the situation and what was happening to me.

Now in regards to why that determination kicked in and at that point when i needed it, i dont know. I was so utterly exhausted with the whole thing and truly didn’t feel i had the strength to fight what was happening but clearly my brain thought otherwise.

This doesn’t mean i came out of this situation spick and span and waltzed out of it like nothing had happened. I was truly a mess and rightly so but i can’t help but wonder what would of happened if that determination hadn’t kicked in there and then.

My next batch of determination came with recovering from my abuse and the new found mental health difficulties that id been ‘gifted’ as a result of my assaults. Like my assault, id had quite a considerable amount of time before that determination kicked in again. Id spent months battling with my emotions, feelings and actions until something in my head clicked and my head said again

It was like in moments id decided that this life wasn’t the one for me. I didn’t want to live in a cycle of bad emotions, bad feelings and safety rituals. I didn’t want to end up broken and bitter and eventually end up treating people the way i was treated. I didn’t want my abuse to win and it wasn’t about to.

Ive thrown around recently the comments of “I was going in therapy with OCD and I was about to come out without it” but this is exactly how i felt. In regards to my abuse and healing from that i knew the key was in letting it all out, all that raw horrible nasty stuff. I knew that was what had to happen. I knew it was going to be painful and horrible and exhausting but if i wanted a different life thats what i had to do.

Thats really what i try to teach people with my blog. That my recovery wasn’t easy but boy was it worth it. These things are hard to process,hard to heal and hard to talk about but once we do that its like unlocking a new life.

I feel everyone has determination in them sometimes its just finding it. Its really about thinking about what you want in life and working out if you’re prepared to go the lengths and put into the time to changing your life.

I really want my story to be seen as a guide to show its worth it. I dont want my story to look like i had an easy ride, because i didn’t. My main goal is to simply show that no matter how many twists turns and hiccups in the journey and no matter how difficult, it can be done. Healing and recovering from abuse is possible. Healing and recovering from mental health difficulties is possible.