I’m Just Me

Hello there you beautiful lot,

This week on the blog were talking about a tricky little subject called self love.

Thats right a topic and subject that if you’ve been the victim of abuse or any form of bullying you will know of the very struggle we can all have with it.

I really really struggled with self love for most of my life and cannot tell you how much I was picked on from anything to my looks, facial features and how I dressed. I was also picked on terribly for my ditsy nature and they way I spoke.

It took me a heck of a long time to think anything remotely good about myself. In fact I had a therapist for the sole purpose of teaching me how to look after myself and notice some sort of worth.

This therapist came about after my CBT therapist noticed my self doubting ways. We would talk about why I thought id leave the tap on or the stove and on asking me why I thought id do something like that id reply ‘Because its something id do’ which truly, it is.

We explored these thoughts and feelings and I talked about how much id be punished for silly mistakes I would make. Il never forget how much she made such a big problem to me seem so little and she was so incredibly kind about those very ditsy ways. We talked about acceptance instead of changing how i was and that all my quirky ways was what made me, me.

Though we wanted to look at my self doubts more she already had a big enough tasks with tackling my OCD and PTSD and decided to give that job to someone else. I would meet up with someone twice weekly to basically go back to basics of how I was looking after and treating myself and why I was treating myself the way I was.

Not only did we look at how i thought about myself we also looked at things like how I would always by cheap things for myself and would have no problem spending money on others. Id be stitching up the holes in my stockings and making things last for myself but if someone else needed something my purse was the first one out and money was never an object. Things like this I never noticed as a problem and would never acossiate with self love and self worth until slowly more and more came out about how I was feeling about myself and they way I looked at how I was.

Slowly I had to start learning that I was doing anything possible to not look after myself and that was deep down because of how I felt about my self. Id been programmed to think I was pretty darn rubbish. I had to start loving and accepting the way I was. I had to start noticing my worth and looking after myself the way I would everyone else. Honestly I thought tackling my OCD was tricky but I feel getting down to the bottom of why I picked at myself so much a real challenge.

This blog post is basically about me and all the different things that make me, me. Its about all the little things I had to learn to love about myself. Its about all those little weird things I do that I now love and embrace as my personality. As the littlest lady.

Jessica –
‘People with this name tend to be creative and excellent at expressing themselves. They are drawn to the arts, and often enjoy life immensely’

I like my colours. I mean the brighter the better.
Though pink puffy skirts may usually be the outfit of a 5 year old girl pink makes me feel great and the bonus to this is you will no doubt see me coming.
Though pink puffy skirts would normally be accompanied by dainty heels I’ve no doubt got little white socks on and converse because frankly, this girl needs to get places. Oh people think I spend hours in front of the mirror perfecting my look but frankly once its done its done and I’m off.

Yes I love makeup and I love fashion but my outer is only an expression of myself. My passion and drive comes from whats going on inside. Honestly, Id struggle to tell you what brand of lipstick I’m wearing or what colour eyeshadow. Id struggle to tell you what brand of dress I’m wearing and heavens forbid don’t ask me where I bought it from.

Yes I’ve created an exterior from my interior feelings thoughts and passions but underneath theres a girl who also enjoys free flowing curls,bare skin and band t-shirts. My tightly curled hair and tanned complexion comes from my grandad a man i may not want to associate myself with but it means i have roots and they only show where I came from. These curls show a story of heartache, hardship and triumph.

Im quiet and enjoy listening though theres a fine line between that and not being able to shut me up. I enjoy talking about worldly stuff, good gritty topics that pull on the heart strings. I like hanging out at skate parks, rustic hideouts and old rock bars and finding those true hidden gems that have life and soul in them. I like real raw emotions and investigating life and what makes people who they are. I like people that aren’t afraid to show their emotions, with drive and that have fought tooth an nail to get where they are.

When I do find something I want to say, il no doubt have some sort of a confused expression on my face as I’m not 100% what I’m talking about either. You will have to bear with me as I jumble words around to get to what I’m trying to say but I will eventually get there. Those complex jokes with hidden meanings that you’re trying to tell me will have to be told to me twice as they really are that well hidden.

Through and beyond my quiet exterior I have a brain thats constantly ticking and constantly wanting to find out more about the world I live in.
This quiet exterior holds a fighter and a lady with determination and fight for life.
I love hard and throw my all into everything which only means i fall harder but I find great knowledge and wisdom in those falls.
This little lady has fought for every part of her and everything she believes in and can say with pride..

Lets Continue This!
I tag the lovely Matty over at mindthenoise.com, Ky at kylives.tv, Bex at thesugarcanediaries.wordpress.com, Zoie over at zottiedottie.com and my little babe Chloe over at theselfcaresisterhood.com to complete this challenge and anyone else that would like to have a go!

Take some things that you use to dislike about yourself or that you have been picked on for and now embrace and own as a piece of you.

Write it in the comments, tag me on social media in it or write a blog post and let me know!