Im Dreaming of a’

Hello team,

How the dickens are we?

Frankly, it was a tough decision as to if I should talk about Christmas on my blog this year. I had never touched on it before but last year I decided to. I was a little hesitant as I know from personal experience and the information I receive from you guys that even the word Christmas can send shivers down your spine. I wrote a small selection of posts on various social platforms but the message from you guys was just as expected “I cant even bring myself to read it”

My posts last year were really based around the whole ‘Christmas isn’t the most wonderful time of year for everyone’ but today I want to leave you with a little more than that.

If you have a knot in your stomach but have been brave enough to read this post let me tell you this..

Christmas was a tough time for me to say the least. In fact it was a time that my abuse was at its worst and emotions for all were high. It was a triggering time for my abuser which meant I was often at the receiving end of her grievances. Without going in to things too much physically my abuse was at its worse around Christmas time. With that, I was left with nothing but a fear of the festive period.

After freeing myself from my abuse Christmas didn’t become any easier and was left as a date I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what to do with it or how I was suppose to behave. It was a date filled with dread even when I had been freed from my abuse.

When I found my self suffering at the hands of mental health difficulties as a result of my trauma things only got worse. I was left reliving all those horrible events and those dreaded Christmas memories plagued my very existence.

After spending a considerable amount of time in and out of therapy and healing my fragile and broken heart I found myself left with a blank slate when it came to Christmas. Granted, at first it was just as confusing as my brain was fixed on the idea of what Christmas was to most. Eventually though I realised that Christmas wasn’t a time for shoving as many disgruntled faces as possible in to one space all in the name of what Christmas should look like. It was about spending time with those i loved and who i wanted to spend time with. Slowly but surely Christmas became a day that I could do what ever I wanted with.

Since then and with moving from England to New Zealand I have found myself spending Christmas in the midst of summer with friends and loved ones and a boxer puppy that insists on being involved in everything. Christmas isn’t what it used to be for me and has gone from fear of even the thought of it to throwing my Christmas tree up at the first sign of December.

I don’t know why but these events were always a huge goal for me. I always wanted to get to a place where I could celebrate my birthday because it was something I had never done and I always wanted to heal the pain of Christmas and find safe and loving people to spend it with so I could enjoy it in ways I wanted to. Even from my earliest memory I remember as awful as those days were I would still be dreaming of what I wanted my Christmas to look like. Each year I feel like I have been climbing up the ladder of what I want my Christmas to look like and ive got to a place where Christmas is an enjoyable time for me.

It’s important to spend Christmas in a way that makes you and those close to you comfortable. Not forcing yourself into situations all in the name of what you think Christmas should look like. My Christmas doesn’t reflect the image of what the majority think of when it comes to Christmas but its what I want my Christmas to look like.

I know how difficult Christmas can be but with that true inner healing these days can become easier and don’t always have to be something to fear. Christmas wont always be one of those days that even the thought of sends your eyes rolling in to the back of your head. It won’t always be a day filled with dread and fear. With time, patience and self love we can ease the fear of Christmas.

Don’t feel pressured by that image of what you think Christmas should look like. We live in a diverse and ever changing world but for some reason that image we think of when it comes to these holiday events hasn’t changed. Let Christmas be the day that you want it to be what ever that may involve doing.