If you do one thing, break the cycle.

Hello Poppets,

How are we today?

I must apologise as this blog post is a little later than expected. However, this post has been a bit of a sit and write, leave and come back to kind of post. In fact, I think its one of the first blog posts I’ve written where words haven’t flown quite as freely and I have struggled with how to word things.

My heart is heavy at the moment, but not as heavy as those who are battling with family members and those close to them.

I remember starting my blog and feeling like the only person in the world that was experiencing the things I was. As I grew this little community, it became apparent that I certainly wasn’t the only one. However, fast forward to near 10 years later and I find myself surrounded by it. Im not sure whats triggered it and maybe its something thats come with age after realising just how wrongly they were treated after having their own children, but it seems a lot of people are making a desperate attempt at holding their parents and peers accountable for the wrongdoings in there lives only to be told off, pushed away and confirmed to be W R O N G.

Now, in some cases I find these stories similar to mine and others more a case of neglect or simply bad parenting, but never the less just as heartbreaking and down write cruel. On top of that there’s this barrage of parents who just cant fathom that they could do such a thing.

I am not only seeing this so much in my personal life, but through work too and especially when it comes to Recovery Revival in which we have done a lot of work in the prison system. Now I must say, it certainly doesn’t make it right, but at some point we need to recognise that we have a lot of broken humans sat in prison after doing unspeakable crimes all because they weren’t heard, seen and felt by those they needed to be heard, seen and felt by.

I write this saddened, upset and frustrated and though I don’t want to downplay apologising as it can be a hard task for many, it seems such a simple task that is causing so much unneeded and unnecessary heartache. It leaves me baffled that parents would rather have a breakdown in their relationships over apologising. Is that an ego thing? it seems to be the only answer I can come up with and the only answer I have seen when others talk about this topic.

It comes with gratitude as I realise how lucky I am to have the Dad I have, despite such a traumatic childhood. If you didn’t know already, I spent a number of years believing my dad had passed away due to a huge story conjured up by my main abuser. However, my dad left as he felt he was in danger.

Now, it’s hard to quite give you a picture of my dad, but let’s go with some form of t-shirt from a metal bands tour in 1994, jeans and long hair. 90% of my days with him as a child were spent with him being just as much of a child. We would play games, go to the park and would watch endless amounts of Scooby-Doo (which was usually his preference). However, when I regained contact with him I found myself confronted with an adult. A man that looked me in the face and apologised and I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a sincere apology before or after that moment. In fact, without being judgemental towards him, it completely threw me off as I didn’t know that could come from that man.

He explained that he didn’t feel safe with my main abuser, but that he never imagined that it would happen to me. He thought by not being there he was removing the problem. When I explained to him the hurt it had in him leaving and the confusion in finding him again he quite simply said “Im not surprised”. (Ignoring that I then moved to NZ) When I asked him to never leave me again and affirming that he better not, he said he wouldn’t and that I had already suffered enough lies already and that was going to be the end of them.

Any remote bit of anger I had for what happened couldn’t have stayed in those settings. The past had happened, acknowledgment had happened, and apology had happened and it was time to move on.

That man went on to repeatedly apologise, asked if there was anything he can do and offered to go to therapy with me or even walk me there. That apology and how simply and honestly he dealt with that, healed so much for me and I cannot imagine the pain attached to having to do that with both parents. I mean, my main abuser was too unwell to acknowledge fault, but if I had no acknowledgement from either side I don’t know where I would be.

It breaks my heart and causes so much frustration when I know so many hearts could be healed and so much pain freed from just by recognition, acknowledgment and accountability. Pretending things didn’t happen only furthers everyones pain and more often than not, creates more. No human being is perfect, but somehow we have this generation (or majority of them it seems) that have decided they are faultless as parents.

Despite what people think I’m not all for the breakdowns of families and I believe no matter what happens within a family if the necessary parties have taken accountability and apologised things can always be repaired. Without those things, I don’t think they can be and I don’t blame people for cutting off family members. If my dad hadn’t have done that, I wouldn’t have him in my life. It’s sad that it has to happen in some instances, but all you can do is heal the best you can and learn to break that cycle.

Nothing makes me more proud than seeing my best friend and sister do this with my god children. Honestly, it makes me tear up not only the inner work she has done, but the lessons she has learnt from her own childhood. She’s raising strong, beautiful babies that aren’t ruled by fear and criticism. That are educated instead of humiliated when things go wrong and have the ability to talk about how they’re feeling openly and communicate their needs now rather than bottling them up until later.

I don’t think any parent who is going through this with there children will be still here, but if you’re a parent trying to break this cycle, please listen to your children. There are so many reasons that defence mechanisms can go up, but thats not on your children. Hear what they have to say and listen to how they feel. It’s not that everything has to be agreed with, but there needs to be some mutual understanding somewhere to continue anything. There cant be any gaslighting, any insults thrown around and nobody has suddenly become ‘crazy’ or ‘insane’ just because you’re being held accountable.

If you’re dealing with a toxic family member the best advice I can offer is to set boundaries. Often when dealing with toxic parents that usually means immature too, so its often means becoming that adult in this scenario. If you need a conversation, answers or an apology to move forward in your relationship with them, then you need a conversation, answers or an apology. You need to be clear, you need to be concise and you need to be firm.

Even better advice than that, is please don’t waste your life doing this. Those doors can be opened at any point when that conversation is ready to be had, but those doors don’t need to stay open in-between that for you to be used, abused and belittled.

Honestly I feel for anyone going through this. It can be so difficult to navigate through.

Is this something you’ve been through? How did you best navigate it? After talking through this briefly on socials it seems people need all the advice they can get!