Growing Up, Apparently?!

Hello poppets,

How the dickens are we?

Yes, it’s been a while, but I’ve been on a mission to essentially SORT MY LIFE OUT.

I don’t want to say it needed a lot of sorting, but I certainly wanted to make some changes within it.

I always say my life started after my last therapy. I mean, before that wasn’t exactly living was it?
In fact, it was complete and utter chaos. I had experienced bits and bats of goodness before my last therapy, but I found it not long before I was thrust into more chaos and left to start my life over again (and again and again).

Gosh, after that final therapy I found myself wanting to do EVERYTHING. Like, EVERYTHING. I went to every music concert going, found myself agreeing to things I wouldn’t normally agree to. I had gone back to my hostel days of filling my house with as many people as humanly possible and most I had no idea who they were and didn’t care to. And you know what? I blumin loved every darn second of it.

I then moved to New Zealand with that same ‘what the heck’ attitude. Just wanting to experience as many things and as many people as I possibly could. Honestly, I’m proud of my efforts in doing ALL THE THINGS.

As things progressed (and probably as I got older) I found myself looking around me wondering who on earth was around me. In fact, I had no idea who was around me. I spoke about this in a blog post previously and on my social media platforms, but I had suddenly had this realisation I had quantity, but not exactly quality.

Gosh, I don’t like to say it, but essentially I was just being used in most aspects of my life. I was Jessica you go to when you need food, Jessica you go to when you need to offload and Jessica you go to when you need money or other necessities.

It became old and boring and all those things I had dreamed of as little girl I had lost sight of. I need you to understand I don’t hold any of those memories in vain and my word did I experience some incredible spaces, places and people, but I dreamt of having that quality.

Im proud of my efforts and how despite not exactly having a childhood and teenage years I still managed to do so much whilst I was young and managed to fill that void of disappointment that I had missed out on so many years.

But your girls grown up now. In fact, your girls a business owner (nearly spat out my tea even typing that) In fact, a multiple business owner. (lol, once again) It blows my mind even typing that, but when I decided to start them they started not only through passion, but my want to push through the things that I never thought possible for myself and also create some stability for myself long term.

I came from nothing and I mean nothing. It’s funny how so many senses have faded from the memory of my childhood. However, the smell of the black mould that laced every wall of my childhood home hasn’t. That singular piece of wallpaper in my room that would occasionally flap off and be freely dangling over my bed due to the dampness in my bedroom. Then the fight I would have to stick it back up again before it came tumbling down again. Oh Lordy.

Its hard and a little awkward to talk about finances, but I feel you’ve all been with me through so much of my life and this is the next stage of it. Im far away from living like that now and grateful to say I have been for some time, but I still want to create stability for myself where I don’t have to worry about making ends meet. I don’t know why its so awkward to talk about such a topic and it probably feels that way because of how I was brought up, but I refuse to live the way my family did and I don’t want it for my future family either.

New Zealand has been my home for 8 years now and I love it! However, I never really felt like the South Island was home. Despite wanting to find quality over quantity I still like to feel like there are things going on around me. I was finding the South Island quite quiet, with not much to do in terms of quality. Nobody to go to local markets with and no local markets either! Whilst I was finding myself in this transitional period I looked at Lola and said “Lets just go”.

Yes, not only that, but due to some other factors I decided to pack up and move to the North Island. My heart is tired of moving, but at the same time I knew this move was because I am getting one step closer to my goals of getting my own home and building what I have always dreamed of.

I moved to somewhere a little smaller because I was finding my last home too big and really I just need a space to really pin down what I want in life, work out how I’m going to create it and get my head down.

I mean, even in my work I found myself doing what I was doing previously. Just doing all sorts because it was NEW and EXCITING and people wanted ME to do it. Now I want to really focus on my own projects. Don’t get me wrong, I will still work with charities and organisations. Just not ALL of them ALL at ONCE.

I really just needed to refine things, look at where my life was going and have a spring clean.