“I wanted to see what would happen if I didn’t give up” - littlestlady.com

Finding the Balance

Hello poppets,

How the dickens are we?

I feel like I can breathe a huge sigh of relief after opening my blog and clicking to create a new bog post. It really is so great to be back and I have loved hearing all your feedback about the new website and it’s features.

Since my last blog post was all about an update on my website and where littlestlady.com is heading, I thought I would stop and talk a little about where my life is too. Lots of overdue things came to light in 2020 and though I don’t want to touch too much on that again, I am at a place in my life where I am making some huge changes, reflecting and wanting to share some of those thoughts and feelings with all of you.

I seem to hit certain points in my life where I think about her. Her, being my mother and main abuser. I feel so blessed that I am in a place in my life where I can think about her without pain, upset and reminders of the past, but that I am able to look at her and her story as nothing more than something to learn and grow from.

I always had a fear of ‘turning out like her’ as I know most do when it comes to our abusers and especially as parents. It took me a long time to realise that we are very different people and personality wise we couldn’t be more different, but its safe to say our lives have followed similar suit. The trauma, the hurt, the heartache and then what I like to call ‘The crossroads’. A place where it was decided how we were going to go forward from our traumas.

I just chuckled a little, but i mean what do I even say? My abuser certainly took a drastic route after her traumas, but sadly a route that many from generations before us took. I know we have a long way to go still, but the generations previously weren’t allowed to talk about their traumas and certainly not the affects of it. It was a keep calm and carry on attitude and an attitude that meant covering up all trauma and to leave no sight of it.

Though I haven’t read through my abusers diaries to there full extent I certainly have read enough to understand the general gist. Its interesting to me that there is this transcendence from the early diary entries noting these episodes of hurt, heartache and almost confusion to these pages filled with lists of people she hated, underlined viscously and how she has sought revenge on these said people. Its almost like you can pin point the moment that she said ‘I cant do this anymore’ and changed from taking on the pain to giving it back. Yeah, yikes.

Something that I am always encouraging my followers to do is reflect and see how far they have come and that is something I have been reminding myself to do lately. That deep sadness that I felt after the actions of others has turned to pride. That even through the things I have been through I still want to lead with nothing but kindness. That I have made a pact with myself that no matter how I am treated I will never lower myself to hurt others as a result. It’s not even that its a choice, but that I couldn’t ever do it. The only thing is…

something has to change

From every which way in my life wether it be books, friendships or quotes strewed across Pinterest I am told that the only way I am going to change peoples behaviour towards me is by changing myself. Becoming bold and brash, sticking up for myself and fighting back. Telling people where to stick there opinions of me and sharing my own opinions on them. Yeah cool, Im not doing that.

Ive been trying to work out why and if there is some trauma holding on to that part of me. Maybe a dislike for confrontation or even a fear of being like her. At one point confrontation was a huge fear of mine, but now I just feel “why?” I don’t understand it and to me it seems those that do are simply acting out of nothing but hurt.

conversation over confrontation, am I right?!

I feel I am at a place in my life where I am trying to find the balance between the two. A place where I can stand up for myself and firmly say what you did hurt me or wasn’t okay, but without hurting back. A place where I can stand my ground and allow myself to walk away if my feelings aren’t heard or if things get nasty. I feel like I’ve toyed with how to move forward for a long time. Not a choice of being nasty back, but building this thick aggressive skin that most have suggested, but I know thats just not me. I am in the process of finding what me is and a place of working out how to not let the actions of others hurt me quite so much. Its interesting to me that I have managed to get to a place of peace when it comes to my abuse and trauma but the aimless actions of others in day to day life affect me quite so much. People say I have been through worse and absolutely but I still feel a lot despite that.

For a long time I also rejected people putting me in a certain personality type bracket especially when it came to the ’empath’ title. I felt calling myself an empath seemed somewhat fake and egotistic but through reading books and talking to others I have gone on to understand it better and connect to it more. I feel things more, I’m more aware of things, I give probably too much and not always to the right people and often it only ends up hurting one person, me.

I am in a process of fine tuning and finding a balance. Working out how I let so many take so much prior and how to move forward. Creating relationships with clear (and very clear) boundaries and understandings.

I feel it is important to talk about this topic because I know so many (sadly) connect to it when I do. Be it a trauma response or a personality trait I feel it’s important to stop, reflect and fine tune. I feel for so many (and sadly again) the options of ‘hurt as I’ve been hurt’ seems to be the go to path and to many is encouraged. We seem to see softness and kindness as a flaw and something to get rid of, but I don’t believe that to be the case.

We just need to find that balance between.

littlestlady

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