My Experience with Christmas

Hello Petals,

I hope you’re all well!

This week on my blog I’m talking Christmas and will actually be doing a little 3 part section on the Christmas season.

Yep,To my surprise this year you guys wanted me to talk about christmas. I put a poll on insta that came back a good 79% of you wanted me to talk about the ins and outs of the festive season and we all know its the most wonderful time of the year

Right?!

Ahhh if only. If only. (I quite literally chuckled to myself as i think of the next sentence.) I mean it can be horrendous can’t it? This is why it shocked me so much that you guys wanted to talk about it because i know for myself in previous years and when I’ve asked you guys before if you wanted me to talk about it the answers been “DON’T GO ANYWHERE NEAR IT”.

I know for me christmas was HORRIBLE. Truly horrendous. A disaster in the finest degree. Not only was it horrible because my abuse was always heightened it was an incredibly lonely and confusing time too.

lets get the cheery bit over with first

Yes, my memories of Christmas only reflected how my abuse would spiral. I think it was mainly due to it holding some sort of emotional distress for my main abuser and i could always feel that by the middle of December things would get oh so ramped up.

I remember being physically beaten black and blue all in the name of the christmas season. Some of my worst injuries happened around christmas and it was a time that just terrified me. I was on edge for the whole month and had to be on my guard at all times.

Then on that dreaded christmas day and after being the bearer of everyones emotional offloading i was then put in some strange festive circle of people i barely knew to try and enjoy christmas like everybody else.

You’re welcome

See, i was brought up sort of ‘out of the loop’ of the rest of my family. Some i would spend short amounts of time with at various times of the year and others i barely new existed. God forbid me spending any time with any of them as there was always some sort of squabble arising that prevented me from seeing one or the other. Then when it came to Christmas day i was dumped into this ‘family circle’ which almost felt like someone else family circle with everyone looking at me like

Who on earths this kid?

I felt like everyone in that room probably didn’t want me to be there but most importantly didn’t understand why i was. Still, i was left the day with people who to me, felt like complete strangers. On the plus, my main abuser didn’t spend the day with me but i almost feel there was a little bit of guilt on her side if she didn’t drop me somewhere to join in on the festive season even if prior id been beaten to a pulp.

merry christmas!

When i left my main abusers care i had many a christmas alone and to be quite honest compared to what id dealt with before, it was heaven. Though it was sad because i felt like i should be in that family circle it was also an accepting time for me as it made me come to terms with and accept that i just wasn’t going to have that.

It was such a confusing, rollercoaster of a time of year for me. Filled with so many different emotions.

My inbox lately has been stacked with messages from you guys saying how much you’re struggling with christmas and i cannot tell you how relatable all your stories are. You all talk of loneliness, confusion and being stuck in rooms with random people you feel you barely know or toxic entities that nobody deserves to ever be stuck in the same room as.

I can relate my story to so many of you and feel for every one of you. Christmas for some of us, isn’t the picture perfect that we are sold on christmas cards and television advertisements but its so important to realise how many of us do suffer at christmas.

Over the next few blog posts i will be talking about how i learnt to cope with christmas and what i do now and also including some helpful tips and tricks!

Look after yourself little ones,



littlestlady

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