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Lets Talk Victim Blaming

Hello poppets!

How on earth are you all?

This week on the blog I’m sharing with you something a little diffrent and something that leads on from my last blog post of accepting the unacceptable. You can quite easily put this topic into that very topic of unacceptable and it was something that i had to accept at a young age.

That very subject is in fact..Sexual abuse.

Thats right

Today i will be talking about that subject that will make some angry, some saddened and some just plain confused with it all. In particular I’m going to be talking about victim blaming and how that very thing took on a big chunk of my life. Believe me,Id be quite happy to just have this post saying ‘Dont do it. Dont ever blame someone for their own abuse’ but i dont think id quite get the message across. Let me tell you a little about why you shouldn’t victim blame..

You’re asking for it Jessica
Its your fault
You can’t blame anyone but yourself

Let me tell you about those few line. See,those very words i still remember so vividly. I remember that exact day like it was yesterday. I remember my exact feelings, I remember where I was stood. I even remember the smell in the room.The person that told me this was someone i looked up to dearly. Someone who i had put up on the highest of pedestals. Someone who to me,was beautiful. Not just beautiful in appearance but had a good soul too. With this, why would i not believe them when they told me those words?

Those words in question came about after me finally plucking up the courage to say id had enough, i didn’t know what happening and most importantly how on earth was i going to get it to stop. I expected shock, a hug or at the very least a pat on the back. Instead i was faced with the look of ‘what did you expect?’ It was then that i was told those dreaded lines. I Jessica Emily, was told that how i presented myself was what was encouraging the behavior of a 65 year old man towards a 12 year old girl.

Before i started dressing how i do now and making it more of a ‘full time’ thing i was happy in jeans,a band t-shirt and a beanie.(Nothing wrong with that folks) But in tern I was a girl who had spent a huge portion of her life watching someone put little outfits together with matching shoes and cute jewellery and dainty brooches and this little person wanted to do just the same. Instead of sharing fashion tips all that was instead shared were some pretty tough hard hitting words. This 12 year old girl was basically told that what was happening to me was due to how id started to dress and basically, deal with it. Its your fault.

Not only was it the way i dressed but I was also told that it was my fault as i befriended him in the first place (Which i later found out was just grooming) and would be nice to him.

I tried to dress differently and would just switch back to my band t shirts to try and change the way he was behaving towards me. Obviously it diddnt change his behavior. Did i think ‘This must not be the issue here’ Nope,instead i thought the damage had already been done. It was me that decided to present myself how i was and changing wouldn’t of made any difference now. I had already caused the damage to be done.

It was without a shadow of a doubt my fault.

Convinced. Completely and utterly convinced. This whole thing was nobody’s fault but my own. Gee,It hurts my heart to even think about my thought processes back then. I was so terrified of doing wrong and at any opportunity would take the blame so i could try and ‘fix’ what id done. It took me so long to see that it wasn’t me that was causing the abuse to happen. That very shame that was put on me as a 12 year old girl prevented me from saying anything and it was only till the subject was flagged up by somebody else that i learnt what had happened and most importantly that it wasn’t my fault.

This wasn’t about the way i dressed at all. It wasn’t about my makeup and it certainly wasn’t because my skirt was too short. In fact i was dressing exactly like i do today. Not quite the common ‘She/he was dressed like she was asking for it’ is it? It all just shows that victim blaming is nothing but a terrible stigma that has been passed down for generations. No matter the situation people are finding a way to blame the victim. Automatic assumptions that if something happens to someone they must of been at fault.

Please don’t. Don’t ever do it

Wether you’re reading this as a reader of my blog, going through abuse yourself or may of even made a comment about how someone had potentially encouraged abuse of any form. Please take these words and keep them in your heart. Abuse of any description is not the victims fault. Shaming victims of such heinous crimes is not only a heart breaking process for the victim but is protecting the perpetrator. We have managed to create a culture that when somebody finally steps forward about such crimes, we question it. The fight victims go through to get to a point where they can come forward is more than most could imagine. Some may of been told they will loose people as a result or even threatened with their lives.

Common examples and phrases of victim blaming:

  • She/he was asking for it
  • She/he had drank too much
  • What did you expect would happen?
  • She/he was dressed like she was asking for it
  • You will ruin the life of **** if you say anything. Their future will be destroyed

Victim blaming: Victim blaming is when the victim of a crime is blamed for the crime. Victims are made to feel they are responsible often leading to the victim not reporting the crime.

Sexual abuse: Sexual abuse is unwanted sexual behavior by one person to another.

Grooming: Grooming is befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, and sometimes the family, to lower the child’s inhibitions for child sexual abuse. Offenders use various forms of behavior prior to assault which is commonly known as grooming.

What are your views on victim blaming? Have you had any experience of it?



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