The most empowering experience of my life.

01

Hello poppets!

Here she is! Did you all wonder where id gone?

Im sort of feeling the same way. The whole thing is a bit of a blur as it all went so quickly. If you didn’t know what id been up to and literally thought id vanished I’ve been on a visit to England! ‘Visit’ puts its nicely as i was actually visiting my childhood home after the passing of my main abuser.

How did it go? Well where do i even start. If you want to start right from the beginning after the 40+ hours travel i slept, slept and slept a bit more *Insert sassy hand up emoji* but i dont suppose you came to read about how i was looking at the back of my eyelids did you?

The week started with meeting my squish of a papa bear, sharing photos, memories and what id been up too followed by yep you guessed it

lots and lots of sleep

I decided to visit my childhood home on the second day of arrival. Partly to get it over and done with incase it was too difficult. I decided to take papa bear along with me as my weapon of choice. My dads a funny old soul and if you don’t know him well,sorry i can’t even explain him. Theres not a word in this world that could describe my dad. He’s like a happy puppy all the time. Though he too went through some pretty horrific stuff with my abuser he always just appears to be on one level and somehow carried that through this situation too. I guess it made everything easier as it sort of played down what i was about to do and also made getting over this huge hurdle completely my own journey.

Shortly after arriving at my abusers home and hiding round the corner for tenish minutes i braved walking to the house. Again i hid in the back garden until my two aunts, the executives of the will turned up. (I accidentally called them executors to a friend which i found quite funny and a bit fitting) We all shook hands in a manner which said ‘we all don’t want to be here lets just get this done’. Shaking hands with someone that assaulted me and set off a severe form OCD and PTSD sent that initial fear rushing towards me all over again but i managed to centre myself and remember what i had come to do.

We set off towards the house and wow how i felt sick. All i kept thinking was..

well who’s stupid idea was this?!

We entered the house and it just felt cold. Cold and damp and lifeless. Considering how my abuser was so focused on everything being spotless it was heartbreaking to see how the whole place was just rotting. It was incredibly sad as it showed that nobody had helped around the house during her final months and that even though it was quite clear she was dying not a single soul really cared.

After trying to take it all in and getting over that ‘yuck, this is horrible’ feeling i decided to go through each room just to process everything. I honestly thought my heart would be filled with joy seeing my old bedroom and i would get that sense of home all over again. Instead, it was just a room. I felt not a connection too it. Like i had just walked into someone else room. It was black and grey and had not a thing that related to me. I was almost trying to convince myself that it was definitely where i grew up. I guess on reflection it would be the norm to see good things when good things had happened. Yes it might of been my safe place but still it was filled with terrible memories.

With help from everyone we all started to pack up the house one room at a time. Slowly all those emotions were put to one side and we all just got on with the job we came to do. It was nice looking at photos and finding items that i held dear too my heart. Unfortunately i am one of those people that wants to keep everything and hold a lot of things dear to my heart. I could of quite easily kept everything but i had to make so realistic decisions about what i wanted and remember that the whole trip was partly to let go of all these things. I kept a small selection of items and took a whole suitcase full of photos to sort through. The rest was piled up into what to throw out and what to give to a charity shop.

On leaving i said my goodbyes to everyone. It was a bit of a tearful one from one aunt as i guess she knew i wouldn’t be seeing her again. The other aunt (The one that assaulted me) noted how she would like to keep in touch but i replied in shock and with something along the lines of ‘No,no I’m quite alright but ermm,thank you for your offer’ Though the whole experience was civil and borderline friendly id be pretty daft to be ending such a huge chapter of my life by bring the not so good back into it and setting myself up for more hurt.

Before leaving I looked up at the house one last time and said my final goodbyes too it.
Goodbye to a house that held some horrible horrible secrets but goodbye to a house that somehow managed to keep me safe during all those years.

My feelings on the whole thing?

This was without a doubt the most empowering experience of my life. To visit the home of someone who i was utterly terrified of for so much of my life was incredible. It was the first time i was able to walk through my hometown and not have to be scared or looking round thinking “has she spotted me?!” Never mind walking into a home where i had avoided even going past the end of the street as i was so frightened.

In regards to me not feeling a connection to things maybe it was good. It probably showed how far away from the abuse and my feelings towards it were. It showed that my life had moved on so much and though it always will be a big thing that happened its importance and control had shrunk dramatically.

I am so incredibly grateful to be given such an opportunity.I mean,who gets to go home to the house they were abused (and i guess whos daft enough to want to?) and put it all to bed. Though my emotions and feelings weren’t what i expected to even have the opportunity to find out just fills my heart.

It was sad throwing everything away as at one point a person had bought all these things to create a life. For me though throwing those things away really showed how it was all coming to an end. Shutting that door for the last time was shutting the door on all the abuse and hurt for both me and my abuser. Its all over. All of it.

A huge full stop to end it all.

Not only did the week start off on such a high but i was lucky enough for it to carry through until i left. Due to my abuse i never met any of my dads side of the family. However,i had been offered to meet my Auntie and Uncle and also stay with them for the duration of the trip. Not only that but on arriving i was told they had arranged a party for me to meet the rest of the family. My grandma, aunts, uncles cousins the whole lot! It was that much to take in i had to keep taking time out just to process it all.

My heart is still fit to burst with so much love and happiness. My whole week was literally one door shutting and another one opening and i feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

How was your week? I hope it was filled with as much love as mine!

xox

littlestlady

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